|Review: Phazm - Antebellum Death 'n' Roll|
|Antebellum Death 'n' Roll|
Label: Osmose Productions
Year released: 2006
Genre: Death Metal
Review online: May 9, 2007
Reviewed by: Lars Christiansen
for:Antebellum Death 'n' Roll
Rated 1/5 (20%) (2 Votes)
"What the FUCK is this shit?!" were the first words to be uttered from my lips upon finally coaxing this album to work in my car CD player with aid of a knife and a paperclip (it's a CD/DVD dualdisc, so my player was grinding and whining for half an hour, and that's without even a note of music coming from the speakers). Turns out, I'd rather have been listening to the raspy plastic against rubber spool grinding sound than the music anyway.
Forgive me if you disagree, but the words 'metal' and 'mouth organ' do not belong in the same sentence, let alone on the same album. If you're a folk band, you may get away with it if it's used in moderation, but this… this is just horrible. It's not simply the beginning of the opening track that the Southern whine of mouth organ taints this album either, and the rest of the runtime doesn't particularly apologize for it that well. There's more than a fair share of 'country' vibes emanating from this album, be it from grooving riffs, bluesy virtuoso solos or annoying slide guitar, and it's mixed in with dubious strains of 'black' metal. I can't stand this bullshit. If it were just a bluesy metal album it wouldn't be so bad, but the fact they're trying to mix it with countless other styles of music is just so immeasurably gay that even gay people would be offended by it. The vocalist is trying to sound like Attila Csihar one minute, then Max Cavalera the next, while the 'avant-garde' riffage bores the fuck out of me, wavering and trudging me into a horrific feverish catatonic state that I never want to re-visit. Seriously, I'd rather nail my nutsack to a workbench than to listen to this again.
Anyhow, enough coverage of this shite, even if you see this in a bargain bin, avoid like your snaggletoothed psycho ex-girlfriend for your own sanity. I like to think of myself as a fairly open-minded metaller, but this is the most worthless excuse of an album I've ever had the misfortune of sitting through. In fact, I think I deserve a fucking medal for listening to it in all of its smegma encrusted glory.
I actually snapped the CD so that no poor soul would pick it up from my trash to check out, as I'm 100% certain that even the homeless would hate it.
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