|Review: Cain's Offering - Gather the Faithful|
|Gather the Faithful|
Label: Avalon/Marquee Inñ
Year released: 2009
Genre: Power Metal
Review online: October 1, 2009
Reviewed by: Sargon the Terrible
for:Gather the Faithful
Rated 3.23/5 (64.55%) (88 Votes)
It has been extremely difficult to review this, as listening to it at all causes me extreme pain. Cain's Offering is made up of a bunch of Finnish Power Metal rejects who have produced a wretched album of overwrought vocal pop music that is doing a good job of separating the men from the posers in the metal web: If someone likes this album, then they don't really like metal at all, as this album is an insult to everything metal is about.
This is not a metal album. Hell, it's not even a rock album, because you can't call an album a ‘rock' album when it contains no rock whatsoever. This is an album of glossy vocal melodies and keyboard molestation masquerading as something else. I mean, just listen to the guitars on this, really listen to them, and you will find that they are not playing riffs at all. Not. One. This is all background rhythm work that in fact sounds like it was played with a synth guitar. Seriously, the guitars are a rhythm instrument entirely, with all the lead melodies provided by that smacked ass Kotipelto and the counterpoint all keys. The vocal lines are all smooth, bouncy pop melodies, made no more forgivable by being pretty sweet in places. Catchiness does not pardon all sins, or any sins at all in this case.
The melodic cues are shameless, and some of the tunes are even stolen. The main "riff" on "More Than Friends" is ripped off from Evanescence, and the piano melody from the gag-inducing closing ballad is stolen note-for-note from Taylor Dayne's 1987 dance hit "Tell it to My Heart" man do I wish I was kidding. Timo sounds fine, but anybody can sound fine on the vocorder. Mostly his performance makes me ill with its Top 40 gloss and smug accessibility.
And the lyrics. If you needed any more proof that this album is pop music look no further than this. "You have always been much more than friend to me/And I can never hope to find another one/Now that time is right" or "A little bit of pain/A little bit of longing/A little bit of love/To come our way." I mean did I miss something? Did we all get turned into a bunch of VH1 pussies while I wasn't paying attention? These lyrics are bad, and they are bad pop lyrics. This is like something sung by Luther Vandross or Wilson Phillips, not something anyone who likes real music should ever be wasting their time on.
This is in no way a metal album, and yet it keeps getting strong reviews from people who wouldn't know a metal album from a semen-filled goat anus. If you like this gutted plastic whore of an album, then you don't understand the first thing about what is best in life. A worthless and bereft work from a trend-poser band I hope we never hear from again.
|Other related information on the site|
|Review: Gather the Faithful (reviewed by Christopher Foley)|
Review: Gather the Faithful (reviewed by Larry Griffin)
Review: Stormcrow (reviewed by MetalMike)
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