|Review: Amorphead - Psychotic|
Year released: 2009
Review online: February 3, 2010
Reviewed by: Larry Griffin
It is amazing how low the human brain can pander in its search for worthlessness and stupidity. You could be fooled into thinking I am speaking about the band I'm reviewing today, Amorphead, but I'm not – I'm talking about myself for continually getting into reviewing horrible, heinous shitpilings of records like this one. Shouldn't I know better by now? Shouldn't I have learned not to keep digging myself into holes where I'm all but forced to do it? Apparently not. So let's go ahead and forsake every last shred of dignity we have to review the worthless sack of ass otherwise known as Amorphead's debut EP Psychotic.
I mean, what the fuck is this shit? Amorphead sound kind of like melodic death metal bands in the vein of Vehemence or Amoral, but that isn't the predominant influence here – no, rather it is filled with unbelievably horrible groovy mallcore slime, infested with riffs so vile that I'd like to puke, and tuneless, hardcoreish yapping from the vocals that is so awful that I'm inclined to believe they came from an ape with sore testicles. The problem isn't something subtle or difficult to see; it's just that this band blows. The first song, after the dubiously pointless intro, is the title track, kicking off with stop-start riffs that are about as articulate as a rusty pipe stuck in a set of train tracks. Completely disgusting! If there was a way to rate an album just by the first few notes, I would do it. Because I know they say you can't judge a book by its cover, but that's the thing: in this case, the cover of the book really does define the rest of it. Those first few notes really do tell you what this is going to be like.
The rest of the song is full of groovy, squeamish guitars and even a few parts that sound vaguely inspired by electronic/techno music. All of these songs are just like that. Sure, there are a few parts where they break into a decent solo section, but who listens to shitty music just to maybe hear good solos? Nobody I know of. The guitars jangle and the vocalist belches and the whole thing is just...unfathomably worthless. I mean, what, there's nothing you guys can possibly do to make this enjoyable? Nothing at all?
And they just keep going on and on for what feels like forever, even though it's just like twenty five minutes. It's boring, it's monotonous and it's annoying as hell. Who actually likes hearing things like this? I'm having a hard time discerning an audience.
Oh wait...it's coming to me...gremlins. That must be it. Gremlins that are deaf in one ear and use this music to make travelers fall off bridges to be slowly cannibalized. That makes sense. Because in all other respects, I believe that this is the Worst EP Ever. There's nothing enjoyable about this! I can't even find one redeeming factor. Worth every single random obscenity you can possibly muster.
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