|Review: Divina Enema - At The Conclave|
|At The Conclave|
Label: Great White North Records
Year released: 2000
Genre: Gothic Metal
Review online: July 25, 2003
Reviewed by: Sargon the Terrible
for:At The Conclave
Rated 2.43/5 (48.57%) (14 Votes)
Holy Fuck this is horrible. I cannot imagine how anyone could hear this laughable band and decide to spend money on recording and distributing their hideous music. I can't even justify listening to it except for purposes of warning the unwary to stay far away from it. Enema? Do these people have any grasp of English at all? Still, just plain Enema might have been a better name for this wretched and inexcusable heap of awfulness.
I guess this is supposed to be Gothic or something. It starts out with some moody keyboard bit and then this - this noise starts, this ridiculous wailing like a chorus of muppets screeching out of tune, and you realize this is supposed to be vocals. Even if the music here was cool, the awful vocals would kill it all, but the music is shit. Six long, long, insufferable "songs" that ramble along with no indication that the people responsible have the slightest concept of how to write a fucking song. The production is thin and flat, and the mix is all over the place. Sometimes the guitars are low, sometimes louder, then a fake harp or flute-synth part will come in really loud. The songwriting is a total mess, with no rhyme or reason to it whatsoever.
I mentioned the vocals, and now I'm going to flog them: They are worse than bad, worse than awful. However bad you are thinking, they are worse than that. From falsetto screeching to out of tune moaning to a raspy tone that honestly sounds like Gonzo from The Muppets, this is simply the pits. From some of the crooning in the background, you would think there was a chick in this band, but there isn't – it's just some Slavic dude trying to warble like a chick. The bottom line is that no one in this band can sing at all, and they won't stop trying to create 'choral' effects that made me alternately laugh and wince.
I really considered going with a negative integer for this one, but that would open a whole new can of worms: is –1 low enough, or do I go all the way to –5? So I went with a big fat 0, but that really does not express how utterly awful this music is. I would encourage anyone who does not believe me to track down an MP3, but I cannot in good conscience advise anyone to waste minutes of their lives listening to the festering musical boil that is Divina Enema. I would rather listen to Soilwork, I would rather listen to the soundtrack to the Britney movie, I would rather listen to country music than be subjected to another moment of this shit. And this band has a whole other album, and I have it, and I honestly don't know if I can make myself listen to it. If anyone reading this has ever trusted my judgement as a reviewer: heed me, this is the absolute worst. Hunt down an MP3 if you must, but do not spend any hard-earned money on anything by this band. In fact, don't even accept a CD by this band if it is given to you. Avoid Divina Enema at all costs. And Great White North should be ashamed of themselves for having anything to do with this sewage. How they can sign genuinely good bands like Merlin and BK-49 and then try and foist this loathsome abomination on the public is a complete mystery. Shame! Shame shame shame! Maybe we'll get lucky and Bush will invade Belarus next, it might not be as entertaining as Iraq, but if even one member of this band died it would be worth the trouble. Ugh. I need a shower.
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