|Review: Wonderland - Follow Me|
Label: Rising Symphony
Year released: 2004
Genre: Power Metal
Review online: November 20, 2009
Reviewed by: Larry Griffin
Well, they finally did it; they stripped Power Metal of all credibility. I mean, how much is there to really say about this pig shit? Wonderland is made up of a gang of fruits from Italy - a fact which does not surprise me in the least - playing music that is somewhat akin to a blend of Italian "Power Metal," the worst techno group you ever heard and a garishly under produced and tuneless Michael Jackson cover band. Excited yet? I didn't think so. So, uh, follow me and we'll review the hapless ass-raping of time, space and the human race that is Follow Me. Excuse the bad joke.
What is good about pop music? Well, it is expected that any major artist in the genre will supply the music with a singer who can sing. Or, at least carry the illusion that he or she can sing, with proper studio effects. The music should be pleasant, and should carry a good, coherent melody throughout its duration with whatever instruments the artist decided to use. And, the production should be spotless, or as close to spotless as can be attained in the studio.
And, in case you haven't guessed yet, Wonderland does none of these things on Follow Me.
The vocals on here are just horrible. I know a lot of these smaller bands have to work with what they have, but that's no excuse for this garbage. Why? Because they made a bunch of songs centered on his vocals! It's asinine. Alexx Hall's (yes, that's with two x's, I did not just make a typo) voice is not only as wimpy as they come, but he has no charisma, no ear for melody and an awful nasally lilt to his voice that quite frankly makes me want to rip out his voice box. Listen to "The Promise." He literally sounds like he's singing with his fingers pinching his nose shut. There is no way anyone could have thought he sounded good, no excuse for why they didn't just write songs that were more focused on instruments than on him. It's like they wanted to inflict pain on anyone who actually condescended from their normal human dignity to actually buy this garbage.
This is music for masochists. They ought to just put that on the cover; maybe they would find a group of fans more deserving of their, uh, talents.
The songs on here have no creativity or individuality to them. The band may have thought they were writing songs that had those things, but unfortunately, squandering their generic Italometal in poppy fuzz and inane electronic blips and beeps does not achieve the desired effect. The hooks are just atrocious, grating on my nerves and not letting up until I have to pause the music for a break. Just listen to the laughable pop drivel that is "Eternally;" that has to be a record for the most tuneless, annoying pop melodies ever penned down. Or how about the title track, in which the vocal performance is so lazy that I'm pretty sure our dear Alexx (with two x's, remember) sang them while lying in bed and reading Seventeen. Or "The Call of the Dawn"? Is that the shittiest, most uncoordinated attempt at a Power Metal song you've ever heard? I think it is.
"Hell and Heaven" would be the worst song on here, with its completely unlistenable foray into badly written new-agey synth music with some vocals that are too breathy and jumpy for the singer to possibly be heterosexual at all, but it's not. It's not the worst on here simply because it ends the album. My endless relief is almost visible as the last notes skulk away forever.
This is just insane. It's like the Power Metal equivalent of a bad porn movie, in every conceivable way. It's trashy, it will ruin your day, the performances are lazy and it is in the unique position of being a virtual black hole of anything enjoyable or even slightly pleasant. There is nothing about this album that I enjoy, and nothing on it that anyone with good taste in the slightest would want to hear. There is some kind of weird subsector of metal fans that this junk appeals to, but I think it is best we just forget about them. They're kind of like the embarrassing grandma who pisses herself at family dinners. Just shove them in the back room, close the door and forget about them. And that goes tenfold for the bunch of assholes that made Follow Me.
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|Review: Follow Me (reviewed by Bruce Dragonchaser)|
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